What next...

I don’t know why I shared my entire history here, a public place no doubt. But it’s validating in some way I think. A lot of that past still lingers about me like ghosts whispering to me on the breeze. I carry a lot of luggage in my heart. It’s a lot of the reason I’m eating. I know this. I’ve been able to iron out what I think are the problems for me as far as eating goes.

1. I love the taste of food
2. I’m bored as hell at work (literally nothing to do and no one hiring an obese woman for a new job... at least it seems that way)
3. Portion control is a problem

How do I fix those?

I struggle with the mental discipline to stop eating when suffering from number 1.

I don’t know what else to do at work when I’m bored (#2). I can’t use the phone, I can’t write, I can’t surf the internet. But since my boss is also obese (hence why I got the job… realize people aren’t hiring obese people these days… It was my only change for a job at the time) we have plenty of food around.

I suffer from number 3 when I’m at home and when Techie is around (Techie is my other half). His work schedule is different than mine so he eats much later, a thing I had managed to avoid for a long time. My last meal of the day was no later than 5 before. Now I find I’m eating with him at 8pm or so even if I’ve had a meal at 5pm.

Is it really that easy to just find the mental ability to stop doing the things that are plaguing me? Even if those three things are not the only things that are problematic with regards to eating, wouldn’t stopping just those, be beneficial too?

So why can’t I?

I am going to write out when I suffer from these things and what it is I do or feel that makes it okay to ignore them and just eat. Hopefully we’ll see a pattern so that I can turn this around. Hopefully soon. I don’t want to be a casualty of my weight, and I don’t want to be a statistic anymore. Lastly despite obesity becoming a hugely recognized problem, I still don’t want to suffer the ridicule that I suffer daily in glances and stares from people.

Let’s hope that this can be changed. Actually I think I will meditate on that tonight and pray on it too.