I think I went crazy somewhere between 7-07 and 8-08. For a full year, I was crazy. I was obese, I am still obese. And today faced with some tough choices I don't know where I sit. Hell I don't even know if I'm out of crazy yet.
Lap Band?
Radical eating/lifestyle shifts?
Settling?
Fear?
New job?
Those are among the many torments I have these days. But always, the weight... My constant companion in pain since 1994 as close as I can peg it. Is this all there is?
Is it?
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
Fall down, go Boom!
Well I fell off the wagon (so to speak). I didn’t track Saturday’s calories, but I had planned that. Within reason, I allow myself one day a week without tracking every single thing. That doesn’t mean I can eat whatever I want, it means I am giving myself enough responsibility and trust (flexibility) to not have to write it in, believing that I’ll have enough knowledge of what is good and not.
Believe it or not I did good Saturday. It was Sunday, and Monday where I failed. I just didn’t feel like tracking things, I ate more than I should have because I “could”. The end result is today on weigh in day, I gained the three pounds back that I had worked so hard last week to lose. Sigh
So today I started at lunch, tracking everything I’ve eaten so far today. My max caloric intake is 2300 in order to lose 1 pound a week and so far today I’m at 1700 already (I had hoped for two pounds a week which means only 1800 calories a day).
I have a dentist appointment today to have a crown put on a broken tooth (yuck). So eating tonight will be soup. I’ll put in the calories as best as I can, but its soup from Panera. As long as I don’t exceed 2800 (absolute maximum, which means I wont lose but I wont gain), I’ll allow this today. But tomorrow we start again.
I slept for 8 hours last night for the first time in a long time. It was largely due to M’s urging that I go to the bedroom to “cool off” (I was sweating; menopause will do that to you). He knew I needed sleep and he was right. The minute I hit the bed, I was out. That was at 9:30pm. I’m going to try and do that more often. It just feels to me like I’m wasting time since I have to be up at 5am in the morning and then doing the same thing all week long. I’ll have to just deal with it. There is no way around it. For now, that’s my schedule and denying my body much needed sleep isn’t going to change it. It will just make me depressed and more liable to eat more because every little thing that comes up will bother me.
I really DO want to lose weight. I can’t stand the weight on my thighs, the pain I feel when getting up etc. I don’t understand why when I DO want to lose it, I can’t find or keep the motivation to just do it? It seems like it should be such an easy concept.
Well I will dust myself off and try again. Maybe the habits will stick this time. I sure hope so.
Believe it or not I did good Saturday. It was Sunday, and Monday where I failed. I just didn’t feel like tracking things, I ate more than I should have because I “could”. The end result is today on weigh in day, I gained the three pounds back that I had worked so hard last week to lose. Sigh
So today I started at lunch, tracking everything I’ve eaten so far today. My max caloric intake is 2300 in order to lose 1 pound a week and so far today I’m at 1700 already (I had hoped for two pounds a week which means only 1800 calories a day).
I have a dentist appointment today to have a crown put on a broken tooth (yuck). So eating tonight will be soup. I’ll put in the calories as best as I can, but its soup from Panera. As long as I don’t exceed 2800 (absolute maximum, which means I wont lose but I wont gain), I’ll allow this today. But tomorrow we start again.
I slept for 8 hours last night for the first time in a long time. It was largely due to M’s urging that I go to the bedroom to “cool off” (I was sweating; menopause will do that to you). He knew I needed sleep and he was right. The minute I hit the bed, I was out. That was at 9:30pm. I’m going to try and do that more often. It just feels to me like I’m wasting time since I have to be up at 5am in the morning and then doing the same thing all week long. I’ll have to just deal with it. There is no way around it. For now, that’s my schedule and denying my body much needed sleep isn’t going to change it. It will just make me depressed and more liable to eat more because every little thing that comes up will bother me.
I really DO want to lose weight. I can’t stand the weight on my thighs, the pain I feel when getting up etc. I don’t understand why when I DO want to lose it, I can’t find or keep the motivation to just do it? It seems like it should be such an easy concept.
Well I will dust myself off and try again. Maybe the habits will stick this time. I sure hope so.
Friday, April 27, 2007
Confusion ARGH!
So one website says to maintain my current weight I need to take in 3348 (yes, I'm a big girl). But another says 2850. Um that's 500 calories right there!!
So in light of this, I've decided to take the lower intake and modify my plans accordingly. This means I can only eat a total of 1850 calories to lose two pounds of weight a week. I do it this way because then if I slip and want a piece of chocolate or a latte I have 500 calories to play with and still be able to lose at least one pound a week.
I feel pretty confident about this. It's been going well so far and I can only hope it continues. Very soon, I will add consistent walking back into my regimen. For now, I'm walking more (parking farther away etc) and allowing my knee which has suddenly decided to plague me, to get better before I go back to 15-30 min walks everyday.
I was a bit dismayed to get on the scale today and have gained two pounds :( I tried to be very good last night, but the dinner I planned I just didn't want. So I had breakfast stuff, which I continued to list in my fitday program. It showed me just slightly higher than that 1000 cal decrease, so by all rights, I should at least weigh what I weighed before... So I hope that this major drop in caloric intake will put me back to at least the three pounds I lost.
It helps that I slept last night for 7 hours. That's the most sleep I've gotten in a long time. I'm awake, less depressed, and able to manage my hunger pains. It also helps that I can wear my iPod at work. I've loaded it with meditation music things as well as current music providing a nice variety. I'm such a creature of music. It really helps to have that constant musical background, especially when I get stressed and want to eat. It proves to be a good diversion.
Enjoy your Friday :)
So in light of this, I've decided to take the lower intake and modify my plans accordingly. This means I can only eat a total of 1850 calories to lose two pounds of weight a week. I do it this way because then if I slip and want a piece of chocolate or a latte I have 500 calories to play with and still be able to lose at least one pound a week.
I feel pretty confident about this. It's been going well so far and I can only hope it continues. Very soon, I will add consistent walking back into my regimen. For now, I'm walking more (parking farther away etc) and allowing my knee which has suddenly decided to plague me, to get better before I go back to 15-30 min walks everyday.
I was a bit dismayed to get on the scale today and have gained two pounds :( I tried to be very good last night, but the dinner I planned I just didn't want. So I had breakfast stuff, which I continued to list in my fitday program. It showed me just slightly higher than that 1000 cal decrease, so by all rights, I should at least weigh what I weighed before... So I hope that this major drop in caloric intake will put me back to at least the three pounds I lost.
It helps that I slept last night for 7 hours. That's the most sleep I've gotten in a long time. I'm awake, less depressed, and able to manage my hunger pains. It also helps that I can wear my iPod at work. I've loaded it with meditation music things as well as current music providing a nice variety. I'm such a creature of music. It really helps to have that constant musical background, especially when I get stressed and want to eat. It proves to be a good diversion.
Enjoy your Friday :)
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Thursday
I've been watching my calories now for three days, and I've lost 3 pounds. I know that's mostly (if not all) water weight, but on a whim last night I weighed myself. I had not gained a single pound! So I've kept it off despite eating. I'm very happy for that.
Today is a low food day. I have a hard time watching my calories with the food I have in my house. It's mainly pastas and such so the caloric intake is high with very small portions. But until I get more money I can't afford to go out and buy new stuff. So I have to make do with what I have. Wish me luck.
So far so good today: 1 cup of yogurt this morning with flax seeds, as much coffee as I wanted (yes, with cream and sugar, I wont scrimp here.), soup and some meat (no bread) for lunch.
I've also been trying to slow down my eating time. Normally due to work and such I wolf it down very quickly. but I'm actually counting when I chew as a means to slow down and let it process. For people that have had surgery, this is one area they cannot pass up. They are required to eat their meals over a period of 30-60 minutes. While I'm not there yet, I'm trying to make it at least 20 instead of 5.
We'll see how it goes when I do my offical weight Monday morning (april 30th). Hopefully I'll still have at least got the three pounds I lost kept off.
Today is a low food day. I have a hard time watching my calories with the food I have in my house. It's mainly pastas and such so the caloric intake is high with very small portions. But until I get more money I can't afford to go out and buy new stuff. So I have to make do with what I have. Wish me luck.
So far so good today: 1 cup of yogurt this morning with flax seeds, as much coffee as I wanted (yes, with cream and sugar, I wont scrimp here.), soup and some meat (no bread) for lunch.
I've also been trying to slow down my eating time. Normally due to work and such I wolf it down very quickly. but I'm actually counting when I chew as a means to slow down and let it process. For people that have had surgery, this is one area they cannot pass up. They are required to eat their meals over a period of 30-60 minutes. While I'm not there yet, I'm trying to make it at least 20 instead of 5.
We'll see how it goes when I do my offical weight Monday morning (april 30th). Hopefully I'll still have at least got the three pounds I lost kept off.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Weight loss & Promises not kept
A year ago I made myself a promise. A promise I didn’t uphold. I was reaching a point medically where I knew something was wrong but hadn’t really begun the journey that led me yet to find out about my cancer. I knew however that everything started with weight loss. So I told myself:
“I’ll give myself one year. If in that one year I am not at least on a good track towards losing weight, I will have surgery to finally end this struggle.”
Man how time flies?
A year later, having been diagnosed with cancer and having a very expensive surgery to save my life, I find that this promise made, had been forgotten about. So what do we do when we fail? We try again. Armed with the tools listed below, and a motivation that I hope remains (accelerated due to the 40lbs lost after my surgery), I endeavor again to continue on a path of weight loss.
We begin today. Starting today I will make the same promise, slightly extended to be healthy.
"By 9-21-2008, I will lose xxx amount of pounds. "
Wish me luck.
~*~
So, I’ve found some really great sites to help me lose weight. I’ll try to list them all so you can benefit from them too.
The Lose Weight Diet – An informational, basic, easy to understand site on weightloss. They provided for me the formula with which I learned how many calories LESS I need to eat per day to lose two pounds a week. Also full of good links to other sites like calorie calculators etc.
Urban legends; 8 Glasses of water per day - Interesting article on the myth surrounding the 8 glasses of water per day. I still follow this rule (because I’m dieting and it helps me stay full) but nonetheless an interesting read.
Traineo – A very nice site, free, which allows you to track loss, have motivators; people to support you (of your choice), keep your information private and did I mention free?
The Hackers Diet – For those of a more technical nature, this is where I started my journey today. This has some good approach ideas (for me anyway) but also has some good computerized tips too for all those computer geeks ;) (like me!)
Log your weight – A cool little script that works with Excel in keeping track of your weight. You can follow the instructions and have this run everyday automatically for you or just do it manually. Puts the numbers in Excel and lets you see the progress.
Mindless Eating – I didn’t really go through this whole site, but I did take the Mindless Eating quiz. It is full of information you might not normally think of. Worth a read for sure.
Calorie King – A very informative site providing calories and nutrient information for just about any food you can eat.
And the best site I came across today.
FitDay – a nice site that allows you to track daily your caloric and nutrient intake. You can purchase the PC version for $29.95, ($19.95 with discount after creating a free online account). I’ve used it today and WOW was I surprised at the food I had already consumed this morning and what it meant as far as planning the rest of my day out. I HIGHLY recommend this site to folks. It makes tracking and calculating a snap (which is what I need).
Carpe Diem
“I’ll give myself one year. If in that one year I am not at least on a good track towards losing weight, I will have surgery to finally end this struggle.”
Man how time flies?
A year later, having been diagnosed with cancer and having a very expensive surgery to save my life, I find that this promise made, had been forgotten about. So what do we do when we fail? We try again. Armed with the tools listed below, and a motivation that I hope remains (accelerated due to the 40lbs lost after my surgery), I endeavor again to continue on a path of weight loss.
We begin today. Starting today I will make the same promise, slightly extended to be healthy.
"By 9-21-2008, I will lose xxx amount of pounds. "
Wish me luck.
~*~
So, I’ve found some really great sites to help me lose weight. I’ll try to list them all so you can benefit from them too.
The Lose Weight Diet – An informational, basic, easy to understand site on weightloss. They provided for me the formula with which I learned how many calories LESS I need to eat per day to lose two pounds a week. Also full of good links to other sites like calorie calculators etc.
Urban legends; 8 Glasses of water per day - Interesting article on the myth surrounding the 8 glasses of water per day. I still follow this rule (because I’m dieting and it helps me stay full) but nonetheless an interesting read.
Traineo – A very nice site, free, which allows you to track loss, have motivators; people to support you (of your choice), keep your information private and did I mention free?
The Hackers Diet – For those of a more technical nature, this is where I started my journey today. This has some good approach ideas (for me anyway) but also has some good computerized tips too for all those computer geeks ;) (like me!)
Log your weight – A cool little script that works with Excel in keeping track of your weight. You can follow the instructions and have this run everyday automatically for you or just do it manually. Puts the numbers in Excel and lets you see the progress.
Mindless Eating – I didn’t really go through this whole site, but I did take the Mindless Eating quiz. It is full of information you might not normally think of. Worth a read for sure.
Calorie King – A very informative site providing calories and nutrient information for just about any food you can eat.
And the best site I came across today.
FitDay – a nice site that allows you to track daily your caloric and nutrient intake. You can purchase the PC version for $29.95, ($19.95 with discount after creating a free online account). I’ve used it today and WOW was I surprised at the food I had already consumed this morning and what it meant as far as planning the rest of my day out. I HIGHLY recommend this site to folks. It makes tracking and calculating a snap (which is what I need).
Carpe Diem
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
What next...
I don’t know why I shared my entire history here, a public place no doubt. But it’s validating in some way I think. A lot of that past still lingers about me like ghosts whispering to me on the breeze. I carry a lot of luggage in my heart. It’s a lot of the reason I’m eating. I know this. I’ve been able to iron out what I think are the problems for me as far as eating goes.
1. I love the taste of food
2. I’m bored as hell at work (literally nothing to do and no one hiring an obese woman for a new job... at least it seems that way)
3. Portion control is a problem
How do I fix those?
I struggle with the mental discipline to stop eating when suffering from number 1.
I don’t know what else to do at work when I’m bored (#2). I can’t use the phone, I can’t write, I can’t surf the internet. But since my boss is also obese (hence why I got the job… realize people aren’t hiring obese people these days… It was my only change for a job at the time) we have plenty of food around.
I suffer from number 3 when I’m at home and when Techie is around (Techie is my other half). His work schedule is different than mine so he eats much later, a thing I had managed to avoid for a long time. My last meal of the day was no later than 5 before. Now I find I’m eating with him at 8pm or so even if I’ve had a meal at 5pm.
Is it really that easy to just find the mental ability to stop doing the things that are plaguing me? Even if those three things are not the only things that are problematic with regards to eating, wouldn’t stopping just those, be beneficial too?
So why can’t I?
I am going to write out when I suffer from these things and what it is I do or feel that makes it okay to ignore them and just eat. Hopefully we’ll see a pattern so that I can turn this around. Hopefully soon. I don’t want to be a casualty of my weight, and I don’t want to be a statistic anymore. Lastly despite obesity becoming a hugely recognized problem, I still don’t want to suffer the ridicule that I suffer daily in glances and stares from people.
Let’s hope that this can be changed. Actually I think I will meditate on that tonight and pray on it too.
1. I love the taste of food
2. I’m bored as hell at work (literally nothing to do and no one hiring an obese woman for a new job... at least it seems that way)
3. Portion control is a problem
How do I fix those?
I struggle with the mental discipline to stop eating when suffering from number 1.
I don’t know what else to do at work when I’m bored (#2). I can’t use the phone, I can’t write, I can’t surf the internet. But since my boss is also obese (hence why I got the job… realize people aren’t hiring obese people these days… It was my only change for a job at the time) we have plenty of food around.
I suffer from number 3 when I’m at home and when Techie is around (Techie is my other half). His work schedule is different than mine so he eats much later, a thing I had managed to avoid for a long time. My last meal of the day was no later than 5 before. Now I find I’m eating with him at 8pm or so even if I’ve had a meal at 5pm.
Is it really that easy to just find the mental ability to stop doing the things that are plaguing me? Even if those three things are not the only things that are problematic with regards to eating, wouldn’t stopping just those, be beneficial too?
So why can’t I?
I am going to write out when I suffer from these things and what it is I do or feel that makes it okay to ignore them and just eat. Hopefully we’ll see a pattern so that I can turn this around. Hopefully soon. I don’t want to be a casualty of my weight, and I don’t want to be a statistic anymore. Lastly despite obesity becoming a hugely recognized problem, I still don’t want to suffer the ridicule that I suffer daily in glances and stares from people.
Let’s hope that this can be changed. Actually I think I will meditate on that tonight and pray on it too.
About me; Chapter 5
Oh my god, the big “c” word. I ran on auto pilot from one doctor to another with a very worried mother who told me “whatever needed to be done, we would do it”. In October of 2006 I had a hysterectomy, successfully removing the cancer that grew inside of me.
Now, 30 pounds lighter, having been rescued from death twice, I find I’m still falling easily into the old habits. Strange isn’t it? We’re given such glimpses of purpose whether it be through being saved, or just knowing someone. But it’s so easy to fall back in the same routine.
Where am I now? Well if I haven’t bored you to death just yet, I will tell you.
I met a man two months ago who seems to have a very wise spirit. He cares for me, loves me even, just as I am. But, he’s large too. So now, the plateau I was on is in danger of cracking and falling apart as I have no control myself. I’m getting older and losing weight will be harder.
I have love in my life.
But I still have weight to lose.
So what will I do?
That's what I'm here to find out.
Now, 30 pounds lighter, having been rescued from death twice, I find I’m still falling easily into the old habits. Strange isn’t it? We’re given such glimpses of purpose whether it be through being saved, or just knowing someone. But it’s so easy to fall back in the same routine.
Where am I now? Well if I haven’t bored you to death just yet, I will tell you.
I met a man two months ago who seems to have a very wise spirit. He cares for me, loves me even, just as I am. But, he’s large too. So now, the plateau I was on is in danger of cracking and falling apart as I have no control myself. I’m getting older and losing weight will be harder.
I have love in my life.
But I still have weight to lose.
So what will I do?
That's what I'm here to find out.
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